First things first: If you don’t like naughty language (think: word for genitalia that rhymes with “clock”), you’re probably not going to want to read Patton Oswalt’s Twitter response to a company asking if he’d like to get paid for tweeting about popular brands. If you don’t mind a bit of potty talk and some rather cringeworthy topics, then you’re gonna love everything the comedian said. Because it’s relentlessly harsh and awesome and happy new year to us all.
While of course, there are many celebrities who will tweet about this, that and the other thing for a buck, Oswalt is not one of those gleeful endorsers — something anyone who is even vaguely familiar with the comedian would know or could discover with a quick search of his past work.
So why would a company solicit him to do just that, and on Twitter where everyone can see it, no less? Shrug. There is no reason, but it happened.
First came the tweet from a company called Brander Influencers (via Splitsider):
@pattonoswalt I'd love to invite you to get paid to tweet for awesome brands targeted at comedians and comedy fans! DM us!—
Brander Influencers (@BA_Influencers) December 27, 2013
That’s all it took for Oswalt to start tearing down a merry path to ridicule with the below tweets, until he finally took mercy on the company and ended his tirade of hilarity. Again, be warned that there is some NSFW language and other things that might make some people uncomfortable.
.@BA_Influencers Can we cut out the middleman and you guys just take a big, wet shit right on my soul? Might save time.—
Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 27, 2013
Hey, @BA_Influencers. Might have been a bit harsh on you guys. Let me send you some examples of my "awesome brand tweeting." Ready?—
Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 27, 2013
.@BA_Influencers If you hate static cling as much as God hates gays & women, then @BounceFresh dryer sheets are a must!!!—
Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 27, 2013
.@BA_Influencers Tired of the tooth enamel loss from bulimia? The roaring bout of diarrhea from @TacoBell keeps your smile fresh!—
Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 27, 2013
.@BA_Influencers Packed with peanuts, @SNICKERS gets 'em in the van and KEEPS 'em in the van.—
Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 27, 2013
Last one, guys: Integrity is like a pink, unsullied vagina. Let @BA_Influencers cram the Cock of Compromise balls-deep. #fuck #off—
Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 27, 2013
We’ve gotta hand it to whoever manages the Twitter account for Brander Influencers, however, for remaining seemingly unfazed after all that.
@pattonoswalt Hey Patton! We apologize if you felt offended in any way! Not our intention-happy holidays!—
Brander Influencers (@BA_Influencers) December 27, 2013
by Mary Beth Quirk via Consumerist
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